It Breaks My Heart - The Awakening

2:35:00 AM

Was it a dream?

God, is the sky falling,
Is that why I'm crying?

Why is my stomach clenched?
And my clothes drenched?

Why can't I stop my tears?
Should I cut the skin?

Tell me, Lord, was it a dream?

He was soaked in sweat; he didn’t realize what was happening to him, his voice trembling, shoulders shaking, his eyes narrowing while the sun was shining too bright, his back felt too hot, and his eyes sticky and damp. All he wanted to know was, was it a dream, or was the heaven really falling and his ground breaking, the foundation splitting and his fears coming true? He was alone, and he knew it was reality.

He got up from his bed, went to the bathroom, and washed his face. While looking into the mirror the only thing he could see was his light brown eyes, with the reflection of blue tiles in his bathroom. As he looked into his eyes at that moment he saw the reality shinning back; a surreal reality gleemed back at him. He felt that he was the part of a world so surreal, neither here nor there. Unable to connect with anyone, unable to relate to anything, for him the world was just filled with his thoughts. He wanted to find himself but the problem was that, where to start? The only thing that made sense at that moment were his words. Yes, writing was his love, and especially at the moment when he was petrified, the only thing which could calm him was to vent out his feelings, words which had meaning, so he started to write;

“All of this pain
All the emotions which I do not show
My true feelings
Locked down so low

In the bottom of my heart
Locked up so long
No real emotions
I guess they are all gone

So please forgive me
If I seem so depressed
I am never happy
My minds a mess

Sitting alone
Hoping that someone will come
Save me from all this
No longer feeling numb

All of this pain
All the emotions which I do not show
My true feelings
Locked down so low”

The sun rose and it was morning; his writing helped him pass the hours which were usually most difficult, although it wasn’t that long, but he wanted to write it till perfection— checking again and again whatever he wrote, although there weren’t any mistake in it, yet he re-read it several times. He looked at himself in a mirror; yes, he was self-obsessed. He just didn’t know why the tears wouldn't stop falling. Unlike the bright sunny sky outside, with birds chirping with joy, clouds balanced the light blue sky. The ice in his eyes, the soothing song in the background, everything was in place, but his heart in pieces. He bit his lip, wanting it to bleed. So that the pain could cover the clench within, and the dripping blood could distract him from his own mind. But it didn't-- his blood didn't drip; his tears kept on flowing, he tasted the salty liquid on his lips.

He finally figured it out, yes, she’s gone. The dream that he saw was reality in itself! Denial never helped. Although he knew that, he wanted to live in it, to keep hope that she would return. Yet now even in his dreams– the only place for the last few months that they both were together— she wasn’t with him anymore.

He became numb and started talking to himself, while his voice was trembling and his shoulders shaking.

God!!
I want to know why,
But for some reasons,
You never turn my way.

Why?

Why is my heaven falling?
And my ground breaking,
My foundation splitting,
And my fears,
Turning into a truth?

Do you hate me, God?



© Ubaid Ullah Ahmed

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