31st august - Kacha angan

8:03:00 PM

Kachay angaan ka mayra ghar
Mayra ba khuda
Mayri zindagi ka sahara mayra na tha
mayri har pal ki yadoun ki chaoun...
Mayri na tha...

I was so blind! I was so stupid... But today I realize... Maybe coz am bitter today, but to be honest there's no way she loved me like she said... She wouldn't have left me if she did!!

But at the same time I am faithful... She promised me that she would always love me and if nothing else, I know she keeps her promises... but even knowing this am hopeless... I am holding on to an old promise and writing... Writing to vent until my eyes are too full to see the page...

I had decided not to write this way, not to express the pain... I wanted to keep it silent but somehow it feels great letting it all out (or only something to vague to let out)...

I promised you that if there's no one sitting next to you, if there's no one to hold your hand, I'll be there, I'll be the one giving you all the love I can... BUT!!! I forgot to find a person who'd promise me that she'd be there when I need someone... All my life, I have lost, I kept on losing!! I admit I did make mistakes, lots and lots of mistakes but I am not that bad!! I am not so easy to dispose but lol others actions say something absolutely different!!

You were my strength but today you went against me and with caution you stabbed me in the back, and that too without a knife, you hanged me like a slave without the noose... I do ask why you did this? Why you lied? WAS HE TOO DAMN GOOD FOR YOU? Or your love for him was too strong? That you freaking lied just so you can spend time with me... answer me jaan? Why did you do all this and now why are you wasting your time in my dreams even thought I can't fall asleep... why are you waiting for me to drift off when my dreamland is long gone... Why do I see you when I close my eyes if insomnia's reign was my demise, why am I dreaming that you are where I am if I don't know where you are...

Dil mayra tor dia us ne, bura kyun Manoun...
Us ko haq hai woh mujhey pyaar karay ya na karay...

We hide our emotions.
We're nice to everyone.
We don't want other people to worry.

Our hearts aren't able to bear all of it,

but that doesn't make us stop,
because we know we want to make a difference..
..and we know we can.

I know its getting too long and meaning less, but when the one thing you're looking for is nowhere to be found and you back stepping all of your moves trying to figure it out... You wanna reach out, you wanna give in... Your head's wrapped around what's around the next bend you wish you could find something warm 'Cause you're shivering cold... It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes the last thing you say as your saying goodbye... Something inside you is crying and driving you on...

Yet these delusions... but why am i having these delusions i must be going crazy otherwise you wouldn't be here instead you'd be far away... i must be losing my mind... why else would you be waiting for me to fall asleep in your arms even though you hate me... I can't find the true you... per phir bhi

Tujhey haq hai, kay tu mujhey pyaar karay
Na karay...

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